Open Thinkering


‘Beast mode’ as permission-seeking behaviour

I realised something about myself over the past week. It’s a character flaw which presents itself as a kind of ‘Type A’ humblebrag.

I’m an adult who doesn’t need to ask permission from anyone to do anything. I don’t have an employer to please, nor do I need to achieve anything more in my life to be deemed ‘successful’.

And yet, I rarely give myself a day off. In fact, it’s worse than that: I ‘beast’ myself physically, mentally, and emotionally to to a point where I struggle. This gives me an excuse to engage in self-medicating behaviours (which are almost certainly less exciting than the ones you’re imagining).

For example, I walk too far and too quickly and do far too much work for a single module. This leads to periods of time when I’m unable to function at my usual level, so I can actually do things for my own enjoyment rather than perpetuate a system I’ve designed for performance rather than pleasure.

Perhaps I should follow Morrissey’s advice to do your best and don’t worry. Easier said than done when the permission slip you’re seeking is from yourself.

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