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Perfectionism

Posted on by Doug Belshaw

In my latest CBT session today I once again confronted the spectre of perfectionism that haunts my life and work.

It’s a difficult thing to discuss because most people would frame this as having ‘high standards’ of oneself. Perfectionism is different, though, and my therapist helpfully differentiated it for me by describing it as ‘not looking after yourself’.

There are so many facets to this in my life. Yes, I do regular exercise, but I’m competitive when doing so. I remember seeing a video once where the actor Will Smith said that if you got on a treadmill next to him at the gym he would die rather than getting off first. That’s me.

Even during lockdown when there’s no-one to compete against, I’ll compete against myself. It’s a losing battle as I approach 40, I literally can’t run as fast as I used to.

I compare myself against other people and against younger versions of myself all the time. I try and act in ways to control people’s impressions and opinions of me. To use the terms I use with my therapist, I ‘put on a mask’.

Admitting this to myself is actually more difficult than admitting it to others. So just to be clear, I am explicitly telling myself that it’s OK to be me, that I’m allowed to slow down and take a break, and that there’s no point in being in competition with anyone, let alone myself.

This post is Day 14 of my #100DaysToOffload challenge. Want to get involved? Find out more at 100daystooffload.com

Rules to live by

Posted on by Doug Belshaw

I have a number of things printed out and blu-tacked to the back of my home office door. The most recent addition has been a four-point list entitled ‘Rules to live by’.

  1. Avoidance is rarely the correct option
  2. Transparency is the best policy
  3. Perfect is the enemy of done
  4. Listen to what people actually say

This list came out of the CBT sessions I’ve been attending since last September. A combination of things made me realise I needed some help:

  • Death of a good friend
  • Stressful situation at work
  • Burden of volunteer responsibilities

As I’m sure most people say after going through therapy, it’s something I should have done years ago. Not because I’m weird, broken, or had anything other than a happy childhood. Just because as I approach middle-age, it’s good to be able to jettison some mental baggage and ways of thinking that aren’t helpful.

The list seems simple, but follows some fairly deep excavations into the reasons why I act the way I do, and the causes of anxiety flare-ups. The four points are my response to a prompt by my therapist to think first of all of the implicit rules I’m teaching my kids, and then writing down explicitly the rules I’d want them to live by instead.

My 10th therapy session is on Friday afternoon. After that, we’ll be moving to maintenance sessions every few months. I’m spending my own money on this, because the NHS had too much of a backlog. I realise I’m in a privileged position to be able to spend money on my mental health, but it’s definitely been money very well spent. The sessions have made a tangible (and hopefully long-lasting) effect on my life.

If you’re reading this and dealing with some stuff, I’d highly recommend a course of CBT. That’s especially true if you already think you should have the tools / strength to deal with it by yourself. Therapy has made me a better person.

This post is Day 12 of my #100DaysToOffload challenge. Want to get involved? Find out more at 100daystooffload.com

Slow down or I’ll do it for you

Posted on by Doug Belshaw

A couple of years ago I wrote a post entitled Where migraines end and I begin:

It’s difficult to explain what it’s like to have a migraine to someone who has never had one. They’re whole-body experiences and, although people often point to the crushing headaches, it’s actually impossible to separate them out as a distinct ‘event’. They come at you like waves, gentle at first, but increasing in ferocity.

A migraine, I’ve learned, is my body’s way of telling me to take my foot off the accelerator pedal. Otherwise, it quietly threatens, it will apply the handbrake no matter how fast I’m going.

I’ve come to know the warning signs: chewing my fingernails, loss of muscle tone, mood swings. These signs usually happen 24-36 hours before. And depending on how I respond, the migraine can be relatively mild, not much more than a persistent headache that painkillers can’t shift, or it can be cataclysmic.

I pride myself on my speed of work, with a lot of this down to the singular focus I can maintain when standing or sitting at the desk in my home office. For example, I can count on the fingers of one hand the times over the last year when I’ve been working at less than 95%.

But this comes at a cost, and yesterday, after the Moodle drama, the pandemic, a local planning application I’m helping organise against, and the daily grind of seeing no-one other than your close family, my body decided I could do with some time out.

So last night I slept and wrote and slept and wrote and read. Then this morning, after a single meeting with my webcam turned off, I went to the beach for a couple of hours without my family. I’m feeling a lot better.

So my conclusion to all this? Well I guess it’s the platitudinous exhortation to ‘self-care’. You and you only know your limits, how you feel, and what’s a priority at any given moment. Ensure your life mask is in place before helping others.

This post is day five of my #100DaysToOffload challenge. Want to get involved? Find out more at 100daystooffload.com

Header image by Ryan Johnston of the covered bridge going over to Glasgow Exhibition Centre. I’ve crossed this many times going to and from the Scottish Learning Festival.

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